Sorry I haven’t been as consistent with my blogs lately. You all know how life can get in the way, whether you’re fighting cancer or not. My weekly labs came in too low a few weeks ago which meant I had to temporarily stop my chemo until my numbers recovered in order to get my monthly lumbar puncture and IV chemo this week. This is always a scary thing to temporarily go through because as much as I HATE what chemo does to me, as I’ve said before, it’s what’s keeping me here and living my life. Allowing me to spend another day with my family. This week my doctors started me back up at a lower dosage and will, most likely, gradually increase it until they make my numbers drop again (super annoying but necessary I guess). They definitely have a range of what they want my white blood cell count to hang around because too low and I can get deathly sick while too high and they worry my leukemia could reappear. It just gets frustrating living surrounded by the same four walls which have become such a comfort zone to me compared to how dangerous the outside world is to my health. However, they [the walls] also keep me in this limbo that makes me have to think of knew things to do to keep my mind healthy as well, not just my body. It’s a give and take situation that has at least another year to go. What can I do though? This is unfortunately the good and bad that comes with life but my goal is to have a little bit better of a summer this year. Except, when this [my numbers dropping] happens, I have to cancel any plans I made which sucks because I hate letting people down and getting everyone’s hopes up, including my own. I refuse to let cancer stop me from living my life and enjoying my summer as much this year though, it may get in the way but that’s what goals are for. Maybe I’ll reach it, or maybe I won’t. I also know my real friends and family understand when things in my life don’t go as planned, no matter how guilty I feel about it. In short, it has been a long month since my last post!
On to the real matter at hand, my actual intent for this blog is not only to update you all on my life but really to give a well-deserved, recognition and shout-out to my mother. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and damn if I am not totally and irrevocably honored to be celebrating having another one with her. This special and magnificent woman has been my mom, my dad when he couldn’t always be here, my best friend, my doctor, my nurse, my strength, my everything. She has been holding the world up for me and my siblings since the day I was born but now she is doing even more today by carrying the universe for me on one shoulder and holding me in the other. I will never be able to thank her enough or give her all the appreciation she deserves because she does deserve the world and so much more. She has been watching my back even when I didn't know it. I’m living my nightmare but she is also living through every mother’s worst nightmare, watching their kid, no matter how old, fighting cancer. She has not left me alone NOT ONCE in this whole process. She has been my shoulder to cry on, my anger and grief to take out on even when she didn’t deserve it because I know for a fact she would take my place in the blink of an eye if she could. She amazes me every day and I don’t know how she does it, how she carries all this weight. I hope to become even half the women she is today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to have children but if I can give a little of my heart to this world as my mother has done for my family and I, it would be an honor because this world needs more people like my mom. No one in my life will ever shine over the impact my mother has and continues to make on my life every day. I know you're probably reading this mom and I promise one day I will get you that cottage in the woods with your fluffy cow, little dachshund, and of course more kitties! You say you’re doing what any mother would do in your place but you’ve gone way far and beyond what any mother could handle on their own. You’re fighting right along with me and I know for a fact I could not be as “IvyStrong” as I am today if not for you. I don’t know what I did to get such an amazing mother as I did with you but no matter how far deep I’m in my “roid rage” or depressed states, just know you have been doing everything right and I cherish all that you’ve done to hold our family up, not only now but before this too. I’m sorry if we’ve ever made you feel any less. I see your struggle just as much as you see mine even when you try hard to hide it. I am forever grateful for you mom and I love you so much. I wish I had all the words in the world to explain how much you really mean to me and this family. Keep those shoulders strong, we’ve got a bit more ways to go and with our luck who knows how the future will play out, but I can’t wait until the day I can take the pressure off YOUR shoulders for once and just let you put your feet up. We’ll get there. Our whole family will. No one gets left behind and you've taught that to us your whole life.
I wish everyone had this amazing of a relationship with their mother as I do with mine but if not with your own mother, I hope you have someone that can give you the strength and emotional support as much as this woman has given me. Take this time to really appreciate your mother or the person who means/meant this much to you as she does to me. Happy Mother’s Day.
I love you forever and always, to the moon and back, mom and thank you.
Ivy
Y(our) song: Slow Down by Nichole Nordeman
