Before you read this, I know that many people think they are complimenting or trying to help by saying some of these things but, the truth is that, you might not be seeing it in the perspective or “shoes” of a cancer patient. Here’s a little guide to help. If your thinking, “Why’d she have to add some of these?” while reading, it’s because yes, I’ve experienced these comments being said personally to me or overheard them said to other cancer patients. If you read this and feel like you may have said any of these things to me, I promise I don’t hold it against you! Cancer is hard for everyone involved and the lines can be very tricky to draw.
1. “Wow, you look so good! When are you going back to work or school?”- Looks can be very deceiving when dealing with cancer! Just because someone looks or feels great one day, doesn’t mean they’ll feel that way the next! Even if they are not going through chemo treatment anymore, it takes TIME to get back to where they were. In my case, a blood cancer can be even more deceiving because it’s on the inside and treatment takes years. If I wasn’t initially bald going through treatment, your average person probably wouldn’t think anything was wrong with me. Anyways, saying this can make someone with cancer (or who just finished treatment) feel rushed into fitting back into your “normal” society or that what they are going through/went thorough isn’t/wasn’t enough pressure for one person already.
2. “So and so that I know had ____ cancer and didn’t have any of these problems.”- Every cancer is different!! Every chemo treatment/reaction to chemo is different!! Even if you know someone who had the same cancer as your friend/family member, don’t discredit what your loved one is going through just because you’ve never seen or heard of that happening before. In the same way, we also don’t want to hear about bad or negative outcomes. Staying positive is already difficult enough so, hearing sad stories really don’t help the situation despite the fact you think you might be trying to help by comparing their situation to someone who may have had it worse.
3. “You’ve lost/gained some weight!”- Typically when you think of chemo treatment, you think of a starved sick person that can’t ever hold down a meal. Of course, that is sometimes the case, I know that was my situation for a while, however, some people don’t know that (at least for leukemia) they have you on and off steroids throughout your whole treatment. Currently, I take a week’s worth of steroids every month. If you know anything about steroids, they make you hungry, swollen, and can stay in your system for weeks. It’s very challenging to stay in control of them. My point is that body insecurities are a big thing with cancer patients. Our weight/looks always seem to be changing (especially to us) whether from chemo or medication side effects, so, bringing it up will probably hurt our feelings. Yes, everybody loves to hear they’ve lost weight but not because they weren’t able to eat and were too weak to get out of bed.
4. “Look how long my hair has grown!”- This kind of relates to #3 (and may affect women more than men) but I’ve had friends (whether they meant to or not) send me snapchats or comment about how long they’re hair is or has gotten. Now, I’m all for power to the girls and putting each other up instead of knocking each other down but sometimes I just think, “You know you’re saying this to a girl with little to no hair, right?” Like I said, I know my close friends and family don’t mean anything by it but sometimes it comes off as insensitive, at least in my case where ALL my friends know I had really long/thick hair that now I don’t know if/when I’ll ever get back. If I had chosen to cut my hair this short it would be completely different but I didn’t get to choose this for myself and many times I hate it/feel insecure about it.
5. “You’re lucky you have this cancer instead of that cancer.”- Especially with leukemia that has many different sub-types, I actually heard this quite a bit when I was first diagnosed. There’s nothing lucky about having ANY type of cancer. No if’s, and’s or but’s.
6. “Do you think you got cancer because of blank?”- This is very insulting to say to someone with cancer by blaming the fact that they got cancer because of themselves and their habits/lifestyle. Even more insulting is to then offer advice about what they could do differently. Yes, many lifestyle factors can increase a person’s chance of developing some cancer’s but typically cancer is just BAD LUCK. You don’t see everyone walking around smoking also have lung cancer.
7. “You HAVE to stay positive and strong or you’re just giving your cancer more ammunition!”- Don’t make your friend/family member feel like they always have to be a positive, fighting, super warrior about the situation they’re in. Especially if a result does come out bad which can make that person think they weren’t “positive or strong enough” and therefore are letting their cancer “win”. Cancer has nothing to do with a person’s will to live. It is its own malignancy (literally). This also includes someone asking if you’ve “prayed hard enough” or saying that “God has his plans” (even if you personally do believe that, the patient might not). Honestly, whether they are religious or not, now is not the time for missionary work. However, this does not mean that they don’t want your positive wishes/prayers!
8. “I know exactly what you’re going through/how you feel.”- I know this sounds like a perfectly nice thing to say even if you've gone through cancer yourself, however, as I’ve said before we all handle cancer differently. Yes, you can relate and have more similarities to someone who has had cancer but that’s it. You don’t really know what that person is going through or how they feel. Instead, try to get that person to talk about it (see how they are feeling) but DON’T push it!
9. Saying nothing- Silence is one of the worst ways you can treat a close friend/family member with cancer. If you don’t know what to say then tell that to them and talk about it! By saying nothing you bring yourself off as unsupportive and can make your loved one feel alone/abandoned by you.
Some things to definitely say: “I love you. You’ve got this, and we’re going to get through this together.”- It's okay if you don't know what to say but let us know that you're not going anywhere, we have your unconditional love/care, and that we will never be alone in this very rough time for us.
Like my previous blog (which I tried not to make this one too similar), I’ll make a second part if I think of any more things I think (these are my opinions) you should or shouldn't say to someone dealing with cancer. For now, I hope this was enlightening for people who actually want to be more sensitive and make sure they are not offending their loved ones in any way. XOXO
See you next week!