As you know the title of my blog/website is "The Side Effects". So in this blog post I'd like to explain what that means to me. This is not a pity me blog. I just want people to understand what cancer does to someone or if your reading this because your in my position then maybe this can help explain any side effects you or someone you know is experiencing.
Cancer is by far the hardest thing I've had to experience in my (short) life. However, thousands and thousands of people are effected by it everyday, young and old. A lot of people think it's just losing your hair and throwing up all the time but it's so much more complicated than that. I think the only good thing about chemotherapy is that it's saving my life. In the future, I hope scientist find a better cure and chemo is thought of as a barbaric practice in the history books, because all the side effects that is causes are exhausting and not worth it if it weren't the only thing keeping me and many others alive. It is our only hope so we deal with the hand that was dealt to us.
To start, the physical side effects are just scary. I try not to think of the long term ones too much. Chemo can really mess with your liver and kidneys so it's vital that I drink water or that could cause a whole other mess of problems. Some chemo messes with your nerves. For months I had numbness and tingling in my fingertips and toes on top of having shakes throughout my body from being taken off a very high dosage of steroids. It was a miserable feeling especially when trying to eat. My hand was shaking so hard that my food fell out of my spoon and I couldn't even feel my fingertips to get a good grip. Then from chemo and lying in a hospital bed for a month, practically, all the muscles in my body were gone so trying to build strength to walk again with numb toes was very difficult. I was in a wheelchair and eventually a walker for months. In fact, I just stopped using my walker this past October. I never knew how much I relied on my fingertips and toes until I didn't have them. Thankfully, the numbness went away but there is always a chance it could come back or I could get permanent nerve damage as I am still getting the chemo that caused it every month, as well as a lumbar puncture (a spinal procedure that takes samples of spinal fluid and then proceeds to shoot chemo in the fluid) which can cause permanent nerve damage. I also get bone marrow biopsies (a procedure where a piece of hip bone gets taken out and then samples of bone marrow are taken) that have it's own set of side effects. To continue, since chemo basically kills every living cell in your body, good or bad, there is a good chance I may not be able to have children and early menopause is most likely a thing. As of now, I've come to terms with that because I'm definitely too young to be interested in having a child but maybe that will change 10 years from now.
Secondly, the side effects are mental and emotional too. I had some anxiety before my diagnosis but after going through this it has definitely exemplified. Every time I take my temperature (2-3 times a day) or my cheeks get flushed at home I get major anxiety because I know if I get a fever (100.4°F or higher) it's an automatic admission back into the hospital, which is at least a 2 day stay but every time for me it has been around 5 days or more. I'm often too scared to put on a sweatshirt or turn on a heater when I'm cold because I'm afraid I'll get hot and it'll raise my temperature (I know that's not how it works but it's just how I think). This is because chemo causes a low white blood cell count (the cells that fight off infections) so, if I get an infection, my body won't be able to fight it off and I could die. I can't stand staying in the hospital, I usually get pretty depressed when I'm admitted. Which leads me to another side effect. Depression. I would definitely say I'm a pretty positive person that always has a smile on there face so sometimes I have my bad days, whether it be a side effect from a medication I take or from having cancer. I also get some mild PTSD symptoms triggered by things that remind me of my journey. For example, whenever I smell rubbing alcohol it triggers me to the hard times staying in the hospital. Having a low white blood cell count also means I can't really go out in public because of how easily I can contract something from my environment so staying inside, not seeing my friends as often as I did, and not being able to go to college or get a job (normal teenage things) is hard and can make me go stir crazy.
Lastly, to me, the worst side effect from having cancer isn't even about me. It's about my family. Although physically it doesn't effect them, I know it does mentally. They are so good about putting up a strong front but sometimes I see it in their eyes when I'm having a bad day (physically or mentally) or if I'm back in the hospital. They're just as scared, if not more, as me and it pains me to see that. My mom never wants to leave my side and I know it's because she is drowned in worry. Seeing her get half or less than her paycheck because she can't stand to leave my side whenever I'm in the hospital is so hard, but I honestly need the love and support she gives me by never letting me be alone. My dad and older brother hate that they can't protect me from this. They were prepared to fend off boys but never cancer. Then, my older sister across the country in Colorado I know feels helpless that she can't be here but sends me mail and checks on me to show show her love. I just want to take all their worry away because no matter what happens to me, I know for a fact they all love me. I don't ever want them to think they haven't done enough or weren't there enough. They have all been perfect, I couldn't ask for a better family, and I'm going to be okay.
Of course there are many more side effects but these are my major ones. I hope you understand my website title more. There are so many side effects to cancer and this blog is meant to tell the story of my journey, from where is began this in February last year to the present. I also want to give hope to anyone, whether you have cancer or not, that you're going to be okay and get through any situation that you're in.
As a reminder, take a peek at my video of the week (did that rhyme?) and my gallery! I hope this blog has helped and if you want a specific blog post from me you can comment below if you have a Facebook account or message me on my Contacts page! XOXO